I Love You....

  




      She looked directly into his eyes as he approached her. She knew what was coming, but yet she felt no fear…instead she actually felt relief.  It would soon be over.
No matter what she loved him, she loved him with every ounce of her being and everything she had. She could never leave him, at least now the constant pain and hurt would finally end.
 She laid there on the bed, their bed…the bed that once held so much love and passion, a place she once felt so special, so safe and content.  She missed that time and didn’t understand how it had all turned so dark and cold, so sinister.
 Silent tears escaped her eyes and slowly trailed down her cheeks as she remembered the happy times, the distant past when she saw love in his eyes, a time that was all too brief.  She had held on tightly with both hands for dear life because she loved him so, and with him she had experienced that brief happiness…the only happiness her life had ever known.  She so badly had hoped and prayed that if she held on and was determined, they would somehow find it again.
So….she had stayed. No matter what he said to her, no matter what vile names he called her, no matter how many times he cheated on her, failed to come home….no matter how many bruises, cuts, broken bones…No matter how he threatened her, demeaned her, tormented her ripped her apart or abused her…she stayed and her love and devoted for him never faltered.  In her eyes he was everything.
     She had been lost in her thoughts and was jolted back to reality by the feeling of his breath of her skin.  She realized he was then leaning directly over her.  He reached down and lightly touched her breasts and then ran his hands down over her body.  He leaned down further so that their bodies were touching, and whispered, “I will give you this, you are fucking beautiful, and sexy as hell”, then he nuzzled and kissed her neck, moving to her face and kissing her hard and full on the mouth, his tongue darting into her mouth, full of want, lust and desire.
  His hands explored, fondling and groping her body, then pulling off the panties and tank-top she was wearing, as he slid down kissing and licking all over her body.
  He spread her legs and tasted her, dipping his tongue as deeply into her glistening opening as he could causing her to moan and her body to whither and convulse, he then took her clit between his teeth, exactly as he knew she liked it, and lightly nibbled until her juices began to flow…he lapped them up like he was dying from thirst and she were a fresh flowing spring.  He continued to work her over with his tongue giving her the pleasure he knew she had been craving until she came in multiple explosions of ecstasy.
   Once her pleasure subsided, he flipped her over and entered her from behind.  It had been a very long time since they had last been together, as he pushed into her she screamed out in both pleasure and pain…but, quickly their bodies moved together in perfect and familiar sync.  Their rhythm, almost orchestrated, and natural.  They came together in almost violent orgasms, both screaming out as they came in union.  
He collapsed on top of her, softy kissing the back of her neck and moving the fingers of one hand through her hair, while clasping one of her hands with his other.
She smiled and sighed and was once again feeling that blissful happiness….she for these few moments felt again like she was truly once again his…even though she knew it wasn’t true and she knew what still was to come.  She began to softly cry, not out of fear, but still just the hurt of his rejection and decided she might as well get this show going before he got too relaxed and fell asleep, postponing the inevitable another day or more.  She whimpered, “I still love you so much baby…”
   He rolled off of her and stood up, pulling up his jeans. “Thanks for that, as always with us, it was good. You were always a good fuck, in fact one of the best fucks I have ever had.  But, I don’t want to hear any of that, ‘love you’, bullshit.  Don’t waste your breath, it don’t change shit.”
She rolled over and looked at him.  He stood there, jeans unfastened after what they had just shared together….something that meant the world to her, but was just another notch on his belt for him… She looked deeply into his eyes, tears still spilling from her own…her heart was now completely broken.  She was ready for her fate. 
   She took a deep breath, “I took vows to you that mean everything to me. I swore to be faithful to you, and to love, honor and cherish you until death do we part. I completely meant that.”
   He glared at her, with empty eyes void of any emotion, and shook his head, “You’re such a fuckin’ loser bitch. So, you’re saying you won’t sign the papers?”  She shook her head, “I’m sorry, I just can’t. I can’t give up on you….on us.”
   He smirked then spit on her. “I despise you, you fucking cunt. Why do you have to make this so hard and ruin everyone’s life?”
  Never breaking his stare from hers, he laughed the most evil cackle she had ever heard, then hissed, “It will be so good to finally be rid of you.  I may go to jail, but you can go to Hell.  I wasted five years of my life here with you…you’re a useless, spineless, piece of shit. Goodbye to bad trash” and with that he grabbed his knife he had stashed under the mattress and plunged it into her. She didn’t scream or even cry out in pain, she just keep her stare locked into his and said, “I Love You” with each and every plunge of the knife until she was no more…

Equality For All...

 I was just reading over the 10 million posts from the weekend....the majority were about the Supreme Court ruling on marriage.....and you know what I have learned? We are a VERY arrogant and self-centered country. I kept reading these post from those who are upset about the ruling that said things like, "This is a sign God will be here soon" and "The Lord surely is returning any day now" etc.... Ummmm what makes you all think America is all the God cares about and focuses on? I get so tired of hearing how this and that is pointed out in the Bible and is now happening here....when the Bible was written, America did not exist....
Do you all realize that before Friday when the court ruled here in the U.S. that 21 other countries already have same sex marriage?
It has been legal for:
15 years is the Netherlands...
12 years in Belgium....
10 years in Canada and Spain
9 years in South Africa
6 years in Norway and Sweden
5 years in Argentina, Iceland and Portugal
3 years in Denmark
2 years in Brazil, England, Wales, France, New Zealand and Uruguay...
and this year 2015 the United States joined Ireland in making it legal. (FYI...Finland signed the law in 2015 but it does not go into effect until 2017).

So, what makes you all think that with some countries having this wonderful law placed into effect for 6, 9, 10, 15 years and no end of the world....that suddenly because America does the world will end? Do you ever think the arrogance of our people is the reason so many other countries hate us so much?
I am still trying to understand why so many of you are so upset about this ruling....I have seen some say, "I am in mourning for our country and the impact this will have on my children" are your children gay? if they are then this is a great thing for them, as they can grow up and be happy and marry the person they love....if they are not, it does not impact them at all. Unless you know someone who is gay and are invited to a gay wedding, when someone gets married you will not know it, anymore than you know when a straight couple gets married...unless you stalk the license department at your local courthouse.... because it does not affect your life. If you don't believe in gay marriage, don't have one. If you are invited to one, RESPECTFULLY decline the invitation just you would any marriage you did not approve of. Then it does not concern or affect you in any way shape or form. It's that simple.
So many Christians are so fixated on homosexuality as "The" sin....they don't think about the face the Bible also says adultery is a sin....and the Bible states that the first person you have sex with you are bound in marriage too in the eyes of the Lord.....how many of us are married to the first person we had sex with? How many Christians are on multiple marriages for what ever reason? The Bible gives reasons for divorce, but it also says you are to stay unmarried. There are so many things that Bible says are a sin that we no longer pay attention to....Christians pick and choose it seems. according to the Bibles to go to Heaven, you must accept Jesus Christ into your heart as your Lord and Savior..... I know many gay people that have done this. That are also in 100% monogamous marriages (and their marriages are a lot better that 90% of those of my straight friends too) and they donate their time, they tithe, they are the nicest and most loving and genuine caring people you could ever meet....more so than a lot of so called good Christian people that I know in the area that gossip, back stab and betray at the drop of a hat....there is no way that these wonderful people are going to be denied access to Heaven when they have done everything that the Bible has said you need to do, just because of whom they love. God is a loving caring God....he loves, he forgives....if he can forgive the so-called Christians that hurt and belittle others he will forgive someone for who they love if that is even necessary.

Just Me......

 I get criticized quite often because the Internet is such a huge part of my life. 

People around me, do not understand why I would rather be online than socialize face to face. 

Truthfully, most of the time, I feel that if life only existed inside the safety of cyberspace...everyone would be much better off.

Why?  

  

Since my little girl died shortly after her birth exactly four years ago tomorrow, I have found that I prefer the safety of cyber space.  Online, people can’t see how broken I actually am.  

Losing Olivia left me a shell of the person I once was, and no one in my "real" life can understand this.

Some days I feel as if, I am slowly and completely losing my mind. 

Her death left this huge hole inside of me... Part of me died with her. 

So many people have tried to "comfort" me by saying cold, empty, stupid and cliché things…words that in their minds were helpful and beneficial for me to hear. Honestly today, I can look back and laugh at some of them. Their asinine and warped views of comfort and wisdom. 

But the pain and agony I have felt … there is no way they could ever begin to comprehend unless they themselves, have ever buried a child.

People have tried to sympathize by sharing their loss of important people in their own lives.  I'm sorry, but it is not the same.

Losing a parent,  a grandparent,  a sibling or close friend or beloved pet does not compare…I myself, have  lost all of the fore mentioned. Sure, I mourned for each loss, but the pain, despair and heartache of living without your baby in your arms is a festering open wound that never heals.  In fact when I lost my dog Raven four years previous to my baby's death, I at the time could not fathom anything hurting quite as much as holding on to that huge, black furry body that I had raised for twelve years from a tiny puppy and saying goodbye....but even that pain does not come close to the loss of a little person you felt grow and move inside of you, who is a part of you.

   I have also had miscarriages ....as much as that hurts, it is nothing like carrying a child…feeling that child move inside you…giving birth and then having to bury your baby that was born alive and beautiful, only to suddenly and unexpectedly die.
   The birth of a child is supposed to be happy and joyful.  It's a time that is meant to be full of contentment and bliss....a time of dreams and plans for the future each and every time you gaze down and that little face...a face that you love and adore more than words can describe....and have since months before you even saw it for the first time.

   To have that cruelly snatched away from you, unexpectedly and without warning…when you believe that you are completely in the clear and past the danger point. It’s more than you can take...or should be expected to.
Once you experience this tragedy, just waking up in the morning becomes a struggle and forced effort.  

Anyone that would expect you to carry on as if life is normal has no clue, and they shouldn't try to compare a Mother's grief to anything else. The only loss that I think would even come close, would be the loss of a spouse...While I, thankfully, have never had to deal with that, I can only imagine.
   Even in the grieving over a child each mother's story is different.  

For example, I cannot fathom losing one of my other girls, the children that I was able to love on, nurture, raise and watch grow through each stage of their lives....so I would not ever try to compare my grief to theirs. 

   I feel like a stranger in my own reality, even four years later.  It’s hard to be happy for friends who are blessed with new babies…you find yourself wondering, “Why them, why are they better than I am?  Why did everything turn out fine for them? “Then that leads to feelings of guilt and shame…so you feel it’s best to just pull away.

   This is why friendships are so much easier online. 

Just think about it…if you didn't want to deal with anyone, simple...just become “invisible”.

 Someone annoys you so badly that you don’t want to be bothered with them any longer?  Easy…just “unfriend” them... voilà they can’t invade your life any more. 

Things clutter up your space?  Just hit delete.

    

Everything is so simple and carefree in cyberspace. 

It’s so easy to make friends and maintain these friendships with people all over the world that you've never met face to face…so much easier than in actual reality…You don’t have to worry about seeing your friends face to face and you aren't expected to socialize and there’s no dread of running into them all the time…you just don’t sign on or turn on your chat.

It takes so much pressure off; No one can see your tears, your haggard looks from sleepless nights, and the deep depression that attaches its self to you like a second skin.

I really wish I could climb inside my cyber world and just stay there…

~Shea Clarke

06-22-2011

My Afternoon in Scammer-Land

This afternoon I was in the shower and missed a phone call. When I later looked at my phone I saw that I had a voice-mail, so I called my voice-mail  and hear this very hard to understand man with a Middle Eastern accent who barely spoke English, leaving a message for my husband saying that his name was "Paul" and that my husband, "Better return the call today. If refusal to return my call is your answer, then all I can do is wish you good luck for what is about to happen to you."

OK...my first thought was annoyance, because this guy was so hard to understand.  Then I was confused as this is my cell phone not my husband's. Why would someone trying to reach him, not call his cell?  Then I was angry about the threatening tone of this guy’s message.  That is not legit at all....the Fair Debt Collection Act prevents harassment, threats, and does not allow legitimate companies to claim to be attorneys or to claim that a crime has been committed.

  So, I called the number.  The same hard to understand voice, "Paul" answered the phone..... (A *HUGE* red flag on a scam.... even the tiniest of law offices in any small town, USA have a secretary/receptionist).  So, I ask why this guy is calling my phone.  He starts rambling and I cannot understand anything he is saying, so I start to get really annoyed and stop him and tell him I am clueless as to anything he just rattled off...he then slowly and deliberately clearly says he demands to speak to my husband who is a "coward for hiding behind a woman..."  LOL!!!  No joke, dude said just that!!!

  So, I tell him, "well, if this was something legitimate you would have my husband's information and would have called HIS cell phone instead of mine, but since I am in a decent mood today, I will be nice and take my phone and give to him."  (My husband works 3rd shift and was getting ready to lay down and take his before work afternoon nap).  So, I go into the bedroom and loudly tell him, "George, this rude little man wants to speak to you since you are a coward and are hiding behind me", LOL   so, George takes the phone and this guy proceeds to rattle off to him without even verifying that the person he was speaking to, was actually my husband.  Another *HUGE* scam red flag.  Privacy laws prohibit legitimate companies from discussing personal business matters without identity verification first.    (Always remember that!!).

    So, my husband stops him from his rambling that my husband is totally unable to understand at all.  He tells the guy, "Look, you need to speak clearly so I can understand you...the guy gets rude again and says that he is trying to work with my husband to prevent hardship from happening in our lives due to a substantial amount we owe his client.

 My husband laughs and says, "Oh really? Who the hell is your client and were is proof of this, because you're a damn liar."  See, We have no debts outside of some medical bills we are making payments one per an agreement that WE called and set into place and those payments are current and up to date....our house, his truck, my car are all paid for in full and the only other bills we have are utilities and since cell/electric/water/satellite/Internet are all up to date and service is on and in good standing....there is no one that should be calling us for money.

  This guy refused to give my husband the name of his client but wanted to discuss a "settlement" he was authorized and willing to offer.  LOL!!!  My husband to him to send us a certified letter with information on this debt and the company we owe it to.  The guy kept going on and on about time being limited for this settlement to be valid.

My husband started getting annoyed and told him we were going to notify the authorities about this matter....and little idiot then says, "Well, I am calling the authorities myself because your wife threatened me."   (So who is the coward here??  LOL).  My husband told him to do whatever the guy felt he needed to do and hung up.  He then told me that I supposedly threatened the guy, LOL...so I hit redial on my phone, because frankly and honestly....I was just really ticked off and wanted to play with this guy a little bit... and the same voice answered and I said, "I am just curious....when and how did I threaten you? "  He said, "You did threaten me" and I said. "How? Tell me what I said...” he just kept repeating “Yes you did."  So I got bored with him rather quickly and told him that when I was done on this call, I would be calling Law Enforcement to file a scam report and then I would be calling my state's attorneys general office and sending a full report to the Federal Trade Commission as well.   He said that he had already filled papers with "The Warrenville Police Department” as well as the State Court in Warrenville......both complete lies as yes, our phone service comes up as "Warrenville, SC” but that is just the tiny little town we live in....the law enforcement here is the Sheriff's Office from the county we live in (which is NOT Warrenville) and we have no court houses in Warrenville at all either.   So, not only is this guy a scam artist he is a lousy one at that...if you are trying to scam someone, you should at least have correct facts.

   So, I called the Sheriff's Department and they had a Detective call me back to take some information.

After I explained to him why I called the Sheriff's Office the Detective told me that this is indeed a scam...

This same number has been reported by other residents in my county...including an elderly woman who recently lost her husband....they called asking to speak to the deceased husband and when she explained to them he had just passed away a couple of weeks ago, this horrible man told her that she needed to take care of the debt her husband left behind or she would lose her home and any valuable property.  This poor woman gave the guy her credit card info.

Thankfully right after she got off the phone she felt uneasy about what had just occurred and called a relative who told her to get off the phone and call her credit care company immediately...she did and they instantly cancelled the card before anything had gone hit their system.  So, not only are these jerks scammers, they are cruel as well.

  Not even an hour later my phone rings again with the same number...I have added the number to my "decline" list so when they call now, it will go off once then right to voice-mail.  When my phone singled the voice-mail was there, I called it and there is a different male Middle Eastern voice saying "This is James Walker, I am calling to warn George that he needs to return this call at once. If I do not hear from him today I will be forced to execute action at him. If he refuses to speak to me today, I can only wish him luck as action will be executed".....so I am so angry and fed-up by this point. I once again call the number and when the voice that left the last Voice-mail answered, I said, "Hello, James Walker?"  He says, " Who James...James is not here."  I said, "Look, you left a message on my phone not even five minutes ago saying you were James Walker....no matter what you think about American women, we are not stupid.

So, stop your lying"  ...by now I am beyond irritated, so I also said, "Anyway, why do you idiots always use American names? You are no more 'James Walker' than I am Al Zahra, so just shut up and stop playing games. I told you people when I spoke to your little friend "Paul" less than an hour ago, that we owe no one any money....you will not get a single penny from us, and to stop calling MY cell phone."   In the background I could hear "Paul's" voice making another call....I heard him ask for Steven  before "James" said, "Look...we will keep calling you over and over every day until we speak to George and get this handled"  .....I said, "Oh now little man, you so will not be calling my phone over and over harassing me.  I will send report after report until your number is shut down by the authorities."  He then interrupted me and said, "Close your mouth and give the phone to George".....I YELLED into the phone, "You idiots already spoke to him today, he is now sleeping, he's a real man and does real work...he has nothing more to say to you either, Do not call this phone again." , and I hung up.

   I then Googled "American Law Corp" and this is what I found....

American Law Corp.   0 Stars. International Law Firms with offices in the Middle East, Asia, Africa and USA. We specialize in representing international business and manufacturing companies to open and manage their offices with legal and financial services along with providing representative offices with address, phone, fax and full administration, legal, financial services.

127 Saddle Trail, Westlake Village, California 91361

USA    805-497-1769

  If you Google that address it comes up as a single family, 6 bdrm, 2 Million Dollar house belonging to a man named Edward Francis Medders....

Mr. Medders is also listed as the owner of a Financial Consulting Company called:  ALCorp N.A.  Listed with the same above address and phone number and the e-mail:  americanlaw@usa.com

It is listed on the page:  Iraq Export-Import Trade and Business Directory under "Consultants" .

I tried to call Mr. Medders to find out if he is associated with the NYC number....and all you get when you call the 805-497-1769 number is a recording that says, "Please leave a voice message for mailbox number 18054971769"

  Considering that the scam callers are obviously middle eastern and Edward Medders’ is the owner of a company that "consults" in Iraq and comes up under the name AL Corp that is listed in a very expensive residential area in California.. I am assuming that these idiots are actually over there and Medders must give them American phones to use to scam people....when you reverse search the 646-205-6658 number it only says 'New York City, NY"  no names, company  info, no address, etc.....  so this is just very Shady anyway you look at it.

So, after all of this I start reading all of the complaints about this number and the other they apparently use...646-205-6657....
I come across on from a guy named Jonah who said when he demanded their business address, he was given this one:
271 Cadmin Plaza East, Brooklyn, NY
So, I google this address and it is for the Historic Post Office and Federal Building in Brooklyn...
These guys are total idiots....if you are going to give out a fake address, don't use one that is easily Googled and famous....

Finally....if you happen to get a call from this number or any other numbers that you know, could not actually have a debt you owe that is past due and out for collection, here is some information on how to handle it. 

  *DO NOT GIVE THEM ANY MONEY....ANY PERSONAL INFO....ETC....DO NOT LET THEM BULLY OR INTIMIDATE YOU!*Do a bit of investigation....how I came across the information that I have gathered so far, is just by entering the area code and phone number in the Google's search bar...from there I started reading and writing everything down so that I am able to get it all straight for legal complaints.
Once you start digging, you will start finding information that will lead you to names, address and phone numbers of possible owners of the harassing phones and you just keep going ....you will start seeing the puzzle pieces fall into place and everything will start adding up and making sense.  

*Every time they call, report it to your local police....as mine said others in my area have made reports and that poor elderly woman almost caused financial problems for herself because they bullied her....so, the Police are going to issue a warning statement in the local news....  so report to your law enforcement as well.

*Legit debt collection companies and actual law offices will send a formal letter when trying to collect at debt.  After you receive the written request for payment/bill statement, THEN they may call to try and get payment, but they will not threaten you...it is illegal for them to use "strong arm collection practices"., and a legit company knows that if you request they not contact you any further at your place of employment, they must stop.
*I saw a couple of online scam reports that people have written about this particular number....and some of them said when they asked for these scammers to verify that they were calling the correct person, the scam artist used information given to a payday loan company in the past....check your state laws,  In some states even a legitimate debt collection companies cannot collect for payday loans....they are not technically legal companies in some states to begin with and if it was an Online payday loan. Most of those "businesses"  are located in other countries and so they cannot try to collect without coming to your local court to press charges, etc....as for criminal charges.....you cannot have criminal charges filed against you for forfeiting on this type of loan...read up on your state laws!!

I am armed and so prepared for them to call again....I have names, addresses and phone numbers, complaint and report numbers...a whole plethora of information that will get them flustered and they will not be able to explain or justify.  I am in a sick and demented way, almost looking forward to the next call. 

~Shea Clarke

May 20, 2015

Candle

When a candle is lit, it's beginning signifies it's end...
At first the flame is big and bright...
As it burns, it melts...it slowly begins to disappear.
Every second the flame burns is a step closer to its demise.
The flame executes the candle's wick...it destroys it from the inside out.
Slowly melting it away...so it is empty and no longer has a core...
Burning it out until there is nothing left but a worthless puddle of wax.
This is a metaphor for life and love...
I am a Candle.

~Shea Clarke   1-18-2013

Alone

Alone, though the room is full.

Trying to survive and  "Just Be", not daring to hope to belong.Wishing I were like everyone else...Knowing I fall short...I'm not good enough.Hating everything about who I am...My face, My body, My voice, even my inner spirit.Wishing the ground would just swallow me up...The I could just be lost, a drift into oblivion.


~Shea Clarke 2011

Naked

There are times I love being naked.

I love being naked in the flesh.

I love feeling the air and sunlight on my naked body.

When my body is naked, I feel free and alive.

I love the feel of my husband's naked body against mine.

But, naked isn't just an experience of the flesh.

It is also an experience of the heart and soul and mind.

When my soul and heart are naked I feel scared.

I want to hide.

I hate the openness of that kind of naked.

While the naked flesh is beautiful and poetic

the naked soul and heart are frightening and sinister.

I have no issue showing my flesh.

Showing my soul and heart though, makes me terrified.

I am not comfortable with that much exposure.

~Shea Clarke