Tuesday, September 1, 2015

I Love You....


      She looked directly into his eyes as he approached her. She knew what was coming, but yet she felt no fear…instead she actually felt relief.  It would soon be over.
No matter what she loved him, she loved him with every ounce of her being and everything she had. She could never leave him, at least now the constant pain and hurt would finally end.
 She laid there on the bed, their bed…the bed that once held so much love and passion, a place she once felt so special, so safe and content.  She missed that time and didn’t understand how it had all turned so dark and cold, so sinister.
 Silent tears escaped her eyes and slowly trailed down her cheeks as she remembered the happy times, the distant past when she saw love in his eyes, a time that was all too brief.  She had held on tightly with both hands for dear life because she loved him so, and with him she had experienced that brief happiness…the only happiness her life had ever known.  She so badly had hoped and prayed that if she held on and was determined, they would somehow find it again.
So….she had stayed. No matter what he said to her, no matter what vile names he called her, no matter how many times he cheated on her, failed to come home….no matter how many bruises, cuts, broken bones…No matter how he threatened her, demeaned her, tormented her ripped her apart or abused her…she stayed and her love and devoted for him never faltered.  In her eyes he was everything.
     She had been lost in her thoughts and was jolted back to reality by the feeling of his breath of her skin.  She realized he was then leaning directly over her.  He reached down and lightly touched her breasts and then ran his hands down over her body.  He leaned down further so that their bodies were touching, and whispered, “I will give you this, you are fucking beautiful, and sexy as hell”, then he nuzzled and kissed her neck, moving to her face and kissing her hard and full on the mouth, his tongue darting into her mouth, full of want, lust and desire.
  His hands explored, fondling and groping her body, then pulling off the panties and tank-top she was wearing, as he slid down kissing and licking all over her body.
  He spread her legs and tasted her, dipping his tongue as deeply into her glistening opening as he could causing her to moan and her body to whither and convulse, he then took her clit between his teeth, exactly as he knew she liked it, and lightly nibbled until her juices began to flow…he lapped them up like he was dying from thirst and she were a fresh flowing spring.  He continued to work her over with his tongue giving her the pleasure he knew she had been craving until she came in multiple explosions of ecstasy.
   Once her pleasure subsided, he flipped her over and entered her from behind.  It had been a very long time since they had last been together, as he pushed into her she screamed out in both pleasure and pain…but, quickly their bodies moved together in perfect and familiar sync.  Their rhythm, almost orchestrated, and natural.  They came together in almost violent orgasms, both screaming out as they came in union.  
He collapsed on top of her, softy kissing the back of her neck and moving the fingers of one hand through her hair, while clasping one of her hands with his other.
She smiled and sighed and was once again feeling that blissful happiness….she for these few moments felt again like she was truly once again his…even though she knew it wasn’t true and she knew what still was to come.  She began to softly cry, not out of fear, but still just the hurt of his rejection and decided she might as well get this show going before he got too relaxed and fell asleep, postponing the inevitable another day or more.  She whimpered, “I still love you so much baby…”
   He rolled off of her and stood up, pulling up his jeans. “Thanks for that, as always with us, it was good. You were always a good fuck, in fact one of the best fucks I have ever had.  But, I don’t want to hear any of that, ‘love you’, bullshit.  Don’t waste your breath, it don’t change shit.”
She rolled over and looked at him.  He stood there, jeans unfastened after what they had just shared together….something that meant the world to her, but was just another notch on his belt for him… She looked deeply into his eyes, tears still spilling from her own…her heart was now completely broken.  She was ready for her fate. 
   She took a deep breath, “I took vows to you that mean everything to me. I swore to be faithful to you, and to love, honor and cherish you until death do we part. I completely meant that.”
   He glared at her, with empty eyes void of any emotion, and shook his head, “You’re such a fuckin’ loser bitch. So, you’re saying you won’t sign the papers?”  She shook her head, “I’m sorry, I just can’t. I can’t give up on you….on us.”
   He smirked then spit on her. “I despise you, you fucking cunt. Why do you have to make this so hard and ruin everyone’s life?”
  Never breaking his stare from hers, he laughed the most evil cackle she had ever heard, then hissed, “It will be so good to finally be rid of you.  I may go to jail, but you can go to Hell.  I wasted five years of my life here with you…you’re a useless, spineless, piece of shit. Goodbye to bad trash” and with that he grabbed his knife he had stashed under the mattress and plunged it into her. She didn’t scream or even cry out in pain, she just keep her stare locked into his and said, “I Love You” with each and every plunge of the knife until she was no more…

Monday, June 29, 2015

Equality For All...

 I was just reading over the 10 million posts from the weekend....the majority were about the Supreme Court ruling on marriage.....and you know what I have learned? We are a VERY arrogant and self-centered country. I kept reading these post from those who are upset about the ruling that said things like, "This is a sign God will be here soon" and "The Lord surely is returning any day now" etc.... Ummmm what makes you all think America is all the God cares about and focuses on? I get so tired of hearing how this and that is pointed out in the Bible and is now happening here....when the Bible was written, America did not exist....
Do you all realize that before Friday when the court ruled here in the U.S. that 21 other countries already have same sex marriage?
It has been legal for:
15 years is the Netherlands...
12 years in Belgium....
10 years in Canada and Spain
9 years in South Africa
6 years in Norway and Sweden
5 years in Argentina, Iceland and Portugal
3 years in Denmark
2 years in Brazil, England, Wales, France, New Zealand and Uruguay...
and this year 2015 the United States joined Ireland in making it legal. (FYI...Finland signed the law in 2015 but it does not go into effect until 2017).
So, what makes you all think that with some countries having this wonderful law placed into effect for 6, 9, 10, 15 years and no end of the world....that suddenly because America does the world will end? Do you ever think the arrogance of our people is the reason so many other countries hate us so much?
I am still trying to understand why so many of you are so upset about this ruling....I have seen some say, "I am in mourning for our country and the impact this will have on my children" are your children gay? if they are then this is a great thing for them, as they can grow up and be happy and marry the person they love....if they are not, it does not impact them at all. Unless you know someone who is gay and are invited to a gay wedding, when someone gets married you will not know it, anymore than you know when a straight couple gets married...unless you stalk the license department at your local courthouse.... because it does not affect your life. If you don't believe in gay marriage, don't have one. If you are invited to one, RESPECTFULLY decline the invitation just you would any marriage you did not approve of. Then it does not concern or affect you in any way shape or form. It's that simple.
So many Christians are so fixated on homosexuality as "The" sin....they don't think about the face the Bible also says adultery is a sin....and the Bible states that the first person you have sex with you are bound in marriage too in the eyes of the many of us are married to the first person we had sex with? How many Christians are on multiple marriages for what ever reason? The Bible gives reasons for divorce, but it also says you are to stay unmarried. There are so many things that Bible says are a sin that we no longer pay attention to....Christians pick and choose it seems. according to the Bibles to go to Heaven, you must accept Jesus Christ into your heart as your Lord and Savior..... I know many gay people that have done this. That are also in 100% monogamous marriages (and their marriages are a lot better that 90% of those of my straight friends too) and they donate their time, they tithe, they are the nicest and most loving and genuine caring people you could ever meet....more so than a lot of so called good Christian people that I know in the area that gossip, back stab and betray at the drop of a hat....there is no way that these wonderful people are going to be denied access to Heaven when they have done everything that the Bible has said you need to do, just because of whom they love. God is a loving caring God....he loves, he forgives....if he can forgive the so-called Christians that hurt and belittle others he will forgive someone for who they love if that is even necessary.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Just Me......

 I get criticized quite often because the Internet is such a huge part of my life. 
People around me, do not understand why I would rather be online than socialize face to face. 
Truthfully, most of the time, I feel that if life only existed inside the safety of cyberspace...everyone would be much better off.

Since my little girl died shortly after her birth exactly four years ago tomorrow, I have found that I prefer the safety of cyber space.  Online, people can’t see how broken I actually am.  
Losing Olivia left me a shell of the person I once was, and no one in my "real" life can understand this.

Some days I feel as if, I am slowly and completely losing my mind. 
Her death left this huge hole inside of me... Part of me died with her. 

So many people have tried to "comfort" me by saying cold, empty, stupid and clichĂ© things…words that in their minds were helpful and beneficial for me to hear. Honestly today, I can look back and laugh at some of them. Their asinine and warped views of comfort and wisdom. 
But the pain and agony I have felt … there is no way they could ever begin to comprehend unless they themselves, have ever buried a child.
People have tried to sympathize by sharing their loss of important people in their own lives.  I'm sorry, but it is not the same.
Losing a parent,  a grandparent,  a sibling or close friend or beloved pet does not compare…I myself, have  lost all of the fore mentioned. Sure, I mourned for each loss, but the pain, despair and heartache of living without your baby in your arms is a festering open wound that never heals.  In fact when I lost my dog Raven four years previous to my baby's death, I at the time could not fathom anything hurting quite as much as holding on to that huge, black furry body that I had raised for twelve years from a tiny puppy and saying goodbye....but even that pain does not come close to the loss of a little person you felt grow and move inside of you, who is a part of you.
   I have also had miscarriages much as that hurts, it is nothing like carrying a child…feeling that child move inside you…giving birth and then having to bury your baby that was born alive and beautiful, only to suddenly and unexpectedly die.
   The birth of a child is supposed to be happy and joyful.  It's a time that is meant to be full of contentment and bliss....a time of dreams and plans for the future each and every time you gaze down and that little face...a face that you love and adore more than words can describe....and have since months before you even saw it for the first time.
   To have that cruelly snatched away from you, unexpectedly and without warning…when you believe that you are completely in the clear and past the danger point. It’s more than you can take...or should be expected to.
Once you experience this tragedy, just waking up in the morning becomes a struggle and forced effort.  
Anyone that would expect you to carry on as if life is normal has no clue, and they shouldn't try to compare a Mother's grief to anything else. The only loss that I think would even come close, would be the loss of a spouse...While I, thankfully, have never had to deal with that, I can only imagine.
   Even in the grieving over a child each mother's story is different.  
For example, I cannot fathom losing one of my other girls, the children that I was able to love on, nurture, raise and watch grow through each stage of their I would not ever try to compare my grief to theirs. 

   I feel like a stranger in my own reality, even four years later.  It’s hard to be happy for friends who are blessed with new babies…you find yourself wondering, “Why them, why are they better than I am?  Why did everything turn out fine for them? “Then that leads to feelings of guilt and shame…so you feel it’s best to just pull away.
   This is why friendships are so much easier online. 
Just think about it…if you didn't want to deal with anyone, simple...just become “invisible”.
 Someone annoys you so badly that you don’t want to be bothered with them any longer?  Easy…just “unfriend” them... voilĂ  they can’t invade your life any more. 
Things clutter up your space?  Just hit delete.
Everything is so simple and carefree in cyberspace. 
It’s so easy to make friends and maintain these friendships with people all over the world that you've never met face to face…so much easier than in actual reality…You don’t have to worry about seeing your friends face to face and you aren't expected to socialize and there’s no dread of running into them all the time…you just don’t sign on or turn on your chat.
It takes so much pressure off; No one can see your tears, your haggard looks from sleepless nights, and the deep depression that attaches its self to you like a second skin.

I really wish I could climb inside my cyber world and just stay there…

~Shea Clarke


Wednesday, May 20, 2015

My Afternoon in Scammer-Land

This afternoon I was in the shower and missed a phone call. When I later looked at my phone I saw that I had a voice-mail, so I called my voice-mail  and hear this very hard to understand man with a Middle Eastern accent who barely spoke English, leaving a message for my husband saying that his name was "Paul" and that my husband, "Better return the call today. If refusal to return my call is your answer, then all I can do is wish you good luck for what is about to happen to you." first thought was annoyance, because this guy was so hard to understand.  Then I was confused as this is my cell phone not my husband's. Why would someone trying to reach him, not call his cell?  Then I was angry about the threatening tone of this guy’s message.  That is not legit at all....the Fair Debt Collection Act prevents harassment, threats, and does not allow legitimate companies to claim to be attorneys or to claim that a crime has been committed.
  So, I called the number.  The same hard to understand voice, "Paul" answered the phone..... (A *HUGE* red flag on a scam.... even the tiniest of law offices in any small town, USA have a secretary/receptionist).  So, I ask why this guy is calling my phone.  He starts rambling and I cannot understand anything he is saying, so I start to get really annoyed and stop him and tell him I am clueless as to anything he just rattled off...he then slowly and deliberately clearly says he demands to speak to my husband who is a "coward for hiding behind a woman..."  LOL!!!  No joke, dude said just that!!!
  So, I tell him, "well, if this was something legitimate you would have my husband's information and would have called HIS cell phone instead of mine, but since I am in a decent mood today, I will be nice and take my phone and give to him."  (My husband works 3rd shift and was getting ready to lay down and take his before work afternoon nap).  So, I go into the bedroom and loudly tell him, "George, this rude little man wants to speak to you since you are a coward and are hiding behind me", LOL   so, George takes the phone and this guy proceeds to rattle off to him without even verifying that the person he was speaking to, was actually my husband.  Another *HUGE* scam red flag.  Privacy laws prohibit legitimate companies from discussing personal business matters without identity verification first.    (Always remember that!!).
    So, my husband stops him from his rambling that my husband is totally unable to understand at all.  He tells the guy, "Look, you need to speak clearly so I can understand you...the guy gets rude again and says that he is trying to work with my husband to prevent hardship from happening in our lives due to a substantial amount we owe his client.
 My husband laughs and says, "Oh really? Who the hell is your client and were is proof of this, because you're a damn liar."  See, We have no debts outside of some medical bills we are making payments one per an agreement that WE called and set into place and those payments are current and up to date....our house, his truck, my car are all paid for in full and the only other bills we have are utilities and since cell/electric/water/satellite/Internet are all up to date and service is on and in good standing....there is no one that should be calling us for money.
  This guy refused to give my husband the name of his client but wanted to discuss a "settlement" he was authorized and willing to offer.  LOL!!!  My husband to him to send us a certified letter with information on this debt and the company we owe it to.  The guy kept going on and on about time being limited for this settlement to be valid.
My husband started getting annoyed and told him we were going to notify the authorities about this matter....and little idiot then says, "Well, I am calling the authorities myself because your wife threatened me."   (So who is the coward here??  LOL).  My husband told him to do whatever the guy felt he needed to do and hung up.  He then told me that I supposedly threatened the guy, I hit redial on my phone, because frankly and honestly....I was just really ticked off and wanted to play with this guy a little bit... and the same voice answered and I said, "I am just curious....when and how did I threaten you? "  He said, "You did threaten me" and I said. "How? Tell me what I said...” he just kept repeating “Yes you did."  So I got bored with him rather quickly and told him that when I was done on this call, I would be calling Law Enforcement to file a scam report and then I would be calling my state's attorneys general office and sending a full report to the Federal Trade Commission as well.   He said that he had already filled papers with "The Warrenville Police Department” as well as the State Court in Warrenville......both complete lies as yes, our phone service comes up as "Warrenville, SC” but that is just the tiny little town we live in....the law enforcement here is the Sheriff's Office from the county we live in (which is NOT Warrenville) and we have no court houses in Warrenville at all either.   So, not only is this guy a scam artist he is a lousy one at that...if you are trying to scam someone, you should at least have correct facts.
   So, I called the Sheriff's Department and they had a Detective call me back to take some information.
After I explained to him why I called the Sheriff's Office the Detective told me that this is indeed a scam...
This same number has been reported by other residents in my county...including an elderly woman who recently lost her husband....they called asking to speak to the deceased husband and when she explained to them he had just passed away a couple of weeks ago, this horrible man told her that she needed to take care of the debt her husband left behind or she would lose her home and any valuable property.  This poor woman gave the guy her credit card info.
Thankfully right after she got off the phone she felt uneasy about what had just occurred and called a relative who told her to get off the phone and call her credit care company immediately...she did and they instantly cancelled the card before anything had gone hit their system.  So, not only are these jerks scammers, they are cruel as well.
  Not even an hour later my phone rings again with the same number...I have added the number to my "decline" list so when they call now, it will go off once then right to voice-mail.  When my phone singled the voice-mail was there, I called it and there is a different male Middle Eastern voice saying "This is James Walker, I am calling to warn George that he needs to return this call at once. If I do not hear from him today I will be forced to execute action at him. If he refuses to speak to me today, I can only wish him luck as action will be executed" I am so angry and fed-up by this point. I once again call the number and when the voice that left the last Voice-mail answered, I said, "Hello, James Walker?"  He says, " Who James...James is not here."  I said, "Look, you left a message on my phone not even five minutes ago saying you were James matter what you think about American women, we are not stupid.
So, stop your lying" now I am beyond irritated, so I also said, "Anyway, why do you idiots always use American names? You are no more 'James Walker' than I am Al Zahra, so just shut up and stop playing games. I told you people when I spoke to your little friend "Paul" less than an hour ago, that we owe no one any will not get a single penny from us, and to stop calling MY cell phone."   In the background I could hear "Paul's" voice making another call....I heard him ask for Steven  before "James" said, "Look...we will keep calling you over and over every day until we speak to George and get this handled"  .....I said, "Oh now little man, you so will not be calling my phone over and over harassing me.  I will send report after report until your number is shut down by the authorities."  He then interrupted me and said, "Close your mouth and give the phone to George".....I YELLED into the phone, "You idiots already spoke to him today, he is now sleeping, he's a real man and does real work...he has nothing more to say to you either, Do not call this phone again." , and I hung up.
   I then Googled "American Law Corp" and this is what I found....
American Law Corp.   0 Stars. International Law Firms with offices in the Middle East, Asia, Africa and USA. We specialize in representing international business and manufacturing companies to open and manage their offices with legal and financial services along with providing representative offices with address, phone, fax and full administration, legal, financial services.
127 Saddle Trail, Westlake Village, California 91361
USA    805-497-1769
  If you Google that address it comes up as a single family, 6 bdrm, 2 Million Dollar house belonging to a man named Edward Francis Medders....
Mr. Medders is also listed as the owner of a Financial Consulting Company called:  ALCorp N.A.  Listed with the same above address and phone number and the e-mail:
It is listed on the page:  Iraq Export-Import Trade and Business Directory under "Consultants" .
I tried to call Mr. Medders to find out if he is associated with the NYC number....and all you get when you call the 805-497-1769 number is a recording that says, "Please leave a voice message for mailbox number 18054971769"
  Considering that the scam callers are obviously middle eastern and Edward Medders’ is the owner of a company that "consults" in Iraq and comes up under the name AL Corp that is listed in a very expensive residential area in California.. I am assuming that these idiots are actually over there and Medders must give them American phones to use to scam people....when you reverse search the 646-205-6658 number it only says 'New York City, NY"  no names, company  info, no address, etc.....  so this is just very Shady anyway you look at it.

So, after all of this I start reading all of the complaints about this number and the other they apparently use...646-205-6657....

I come across on from a guy named Jonah who said when he demanded their business address, he was given this one:
271 Cadmin Plaza East, Brooklyn, NY
So, I google this address and it is for the Historic Post Office and Federal Building in Brooklyn...
These guys are total idiots....if you are going to give out a fake address, don't use one that is easily Googled and famous....

Finally....if you happen to get a call from this number or any other numbers that you know, could not actually have a debt you owe that is past due and out for collection, here is some information on how to handle it. 
  *DO NOT GIVE THEM ANY MONEY....ANY PERSONAL INFO....ETC....DO NOT LET THEM BULLY OR INTIMIDATE YOU!*Do a bit of I came across the information that I have gathered so far, is just by entering the area code and phone number in the Google's search bar...from there I started reading and writing everything down so that I am able to get it all straight for legal complaints.
Once you start digging, you will start finding information that will lead you to names, address and phone numbers of possible owners of the harassing phones and you just keep going will start seeing the puzzle pieces fall into place and everything will start adding up and making sense.  
*Every time they call, report it to your local mine said others in my area have made reports and that poor elderly woman almost caused financial problems for herself because they bullied, the Police are going to issue a warning statement in the local news....  so report to your law enforcement as well.
*Legit debt collection companies and actual law offices will send a formal letter when trying to collect at debt.  After you receive the written request for payment/bill statement, THEN they may call to try and get payment, but they will not threaten is illegal for them to use "strong arm collection practices"., and a legit company knows that if you request they not contact you any further at your place of employment, they must stop.
*I saw a couple of online scam reports that people have written about this particular number....and some of them said when they asked for these scammers to verify that they were calling the correct person, the scam artist used information given to a payday loan company in the past....check your state laws,  In some states even a legitimate debt collection companies cannot collect for payday loans....they are not technically legal companies in some states to begin with and if it was an Online payday loan. Most of those "businesses"  are located in other countries and so they cannot try to collect without coming to your local court to press charges, for criminal cannot have criminal charges filed against you for forfeiting on this type of up on your state laws!!
I am armed and so prepared for them to call again....I have names, addresses and phone numbers, complaint and report numbers...a whole plethora of information that will get them flustered and they will not be able to explain or justify.  I am in a sick and demented way, almost looking forward to the next call. 

~Shea Clarke

May 20, 2015


When a candle is lit, it's beginning signifies it's end...
At first the flame is big and bright...
As it burns, it slowly begins to disappear.
Every second the flame burns is a step closer to its demise.
The flame executes the candle's destroys it from the inside out.
Slowly melting it it is empty and no longer has a core...
Burning it out until there is nothing left but a worthless puddle of wax.
This is a metaphor for life and love...
I am a Candle.

~Shea Clarke   1-18-2013


Alone, though the room is full.
Trying to survive and  "Just Be", not daring to hope to belong.Wishing I were like everyone else...Knowing I fall short...I'm not good enough.Hating everything about who I am...My face, My body, My voice, even my inner spirit.Wishing the ground would just swallow me up...The I could just be lost, a drift into oblivion.

~Shea Clarke 2011

Monday, May 18, 2015


There are times I love being naked.

I love being naked in the flesh.

I love feeling the air and sunlight on my naked body.

When my body is naked, I feel free and alive.

I love the feel of my husband's naked body against mine.

But, naked isn't just an experience of the flesh.

It is also an experience of the heart and soul and mind.

When my soul and heart are naked I feel scared.

I want to hide.

I hate the openness of that kind of naked.

While the naked flesh is beautiful and poetic

the naked soul and heart are frightening and sinister.

I have no issue showing my flesh.

Showing my soul and heart though, makes me terrified.

I am not comfortable with that much exposure.

~Shea Clarke 

Misty Green

When I need you to hold and comfort me but your response is cold.

When I long for you to notice I exist

When I turn to you for encouragement but your heart is like stone.

If at this moment you looked into my eyes you would see they are a very deep misty green.

You walk out the door even though I ask you not to go.

I try hard not to cry

I don't want the tears to flow.

I bite my lip and try to be strong.

My heart is aching and no matter how hard I try

I can't stop my eyes from becoming misty green.

Written By- Shea Clarke


Like someone ripped everything from inside my entire being.
Like a million tiny shards of glass on the floor.
In ways and places that no one knows or will ever see.
Feeling lost inside a room of mirrors that has no door.

There's no way out, no escape...

The hurt and pin just build up inside.
Waiting to erupt like a loaded keg of dynamite next to an open flame.

How much more am I expected to take...
A life of pain, abuse and heartaches.
My body, mind, spirit, soul have all been raped.
No one cares...
I was from birth just a huge mistake.

I can feel the emptiness all around me.

No one understands or even tries to see.
The pain would stop and I could finally rest in peace.
 To be there to hold my angel babies tightly next to me.
To exit this hell called life and drift into eternal sleep.

~Shea Clarke

Saturday, May 16, 2015

The Little Child

The little child hides deep inside my soul behind the tough outside persona.
The little child inside me learned that you must strike first or be beaten down.
Too many times she trusted and opened up, only to be abused and left all alone.
The little child inside me learned early that the world isn't a nice place.
That it is easier to pull deep inside the shell of flesh she was born with.
To pretend she is strong and doesn't hurt.
The little child inside me wishes she could feel safe and really loved and wanted.

~Shea Clarke


The Descending

Darkness descends upon me.

There is no way to stop it and no light bulb bright enough to erase it.

I can feel the darkness pulling me downward.

Completely evaporating my entire being.

Every noise around me sounds out of tune, and every sight out of focus.

The air is cold and harsh, yet my body is too numb to feel it.

I am like Alice spiraling out of control down the rabbit hole.

Everything is spinning about and rushing by me at a hundred miles per hour.

Yet, I see myself moving in slow motion, so slow I seem distorted.

As I spin out of control, I see faces of people I know quickly spin past.

They seem so close yet when i reach out to touch them they are no where near.

I can hear myself scream deep inside my soul, a scream only I can hear.

There is no way out, No way to stop, no one can help.

All I can do is close my eyes tightly and pray that eternal slumber will soon come.    

~Shea Clarke 

Would You

Would you miss me if I died? would you even notice....
Sometimes I think I am invisible to you.
Does it hurt you to know I cried? Or do you even notice...
You hurt me and then act as if you haven't a clue.
Someday you will have to look back...
Do you think you'll feel regret?
Do you you think the love and kindness that you lack...
will be easy to forget.
How many times can I forgive?
How many empty promises can you make? 
Each and every moment of hurt and anguish that I live...
Completely drains me and another piece of my heart it breaks.
I wish I could capture the happy times...
The times you act as if I matter.
I wish I could lock them safely under glass.
Then when you leave me cold and emotionally tattered...
I could break inside the dome... and in your pseudo love I could bask.
Does this rhyme hurt you?
Does it make you cry?
Does reading it rip your heart out onto the floor?
If it does, please try to remember that ache.
Try hard to hold the pain and hurt inside you deep.
So next time you see that my heart is about to break,
The vows you took will matter, and promises you've made you'll keep.  

~Shea Clarke

Lake Winter

She drowned in Lake Winter. that's what he would be told.
She smiled to herself at thought of the look of pain his  face would possess at that moment.
He would be eaten up with guilt and regret.
She knew exactly how he would react.
His mind would replay the horrible things he had said...his last words to her.
He would feel sick and tears would stream down his face.
He would hate himself, maybe even try to take his own life...
Of course he wouldn't have the courage to succeed...the spineless jerk.
She leaned forward and felt herself slip from the dock into the dark, icy water.
She smiled up at the moon, so beautiful and full.
Revenge was hers....She had won.
She drowned in Lake Winter, she sang her body became submerged.

~Shea Clarke


Friday, May 15, 2015


It seemed like just yesterday, not fifty-two summers past, that he had moved her into their first and only home. 
She was so beautiful...his new bride, She was just eighteen and he was almost twenty-one. They stumbled upon their dream home by accident, a wrong turn on their way to his parent’s place from their honeymoon. 
The Realtor had just finished placing the 'For Sale' sign in the yard. When she saw the house it took her breath. He stopped the car and knew instantly, it was right…this was their home.
It took every penny of the trust that his grandfather had left him; but he didn't care. The way her eyes shone as they were handed the keys made it all worth it. She called it “their castle” and said she felt like a princess. She was right, she was.

 They had raised two boys and three beautiful girls there. They celebrated holiday after holiday and one happy anniversary after another, each perfect and special....because of her and the loving care she put into each and every one.  
He smiled thinking back…it wasn't just holidays; everyday was special because of her...until that day last August. The day he had to say goodbye. 
The day his princess had became an angel. Now, nothing felt right or the same anymore and it never would again. The house once filled with love and laughter, was now quiet, cold and lonely.

Fifty-two summers ago on the night that they moved in, she lovingly placed two chairs and a small table next to the magnificent window overlooking the courtyard where the sun set each evening. 
She had called him in; flashing that smile that captivated him since the first time he had laid eyes on her and asked him to come sit with her. They sat in front of the window holding hands across the little table and watched the sun slowly vanish from sight. 
She softly sighed a content, blissful sigh and looked at him with those sapphire blue eyes and made him promise that every evening for their rest of both their lives, they would sit here and watch the sunset together; and that they did. 
With the exception of the five times she was in the hospital after having their children, they never missed a one.

He had promised… and he would rather be hanged than ever break his word to her.

 So, every evening, he carefully and lovingly carries the box containing her ashes down to the little table and sits across from it as the sunsets.

~Shea Clarke
Jan. 11, 2014

A very long vent on a subject very close to my heart

I am about to unleash a hue vent... a vent that is going to be long, anger filled, and will probably make some of you upset with me.    So, be it...that's your right, feel free to leave your opinions and comments, I'm not the type of person that can't handle hearing the opinions of others.   That doesn't mean I will change my opinions or beliefs, but you are entitled to yours just as I am to mine. If you are reading this, that means you are part of my life in some way, and so a difference of opinion isn't going to change the way I view or feel about you. This vent is being written because it is about something very near and dear to my heart. Something that is very important to me.
     Now......Most of you have probably gathered from seeing the links on my FB page, or from speaking to me, that I am actively involved in Canine Rescue.  In fact I am working on opening my own Canine Shelter/Sanctuary here in my county, that will hopefully be fully up and running within the next two to three years.
What really upsets and angers me and causes me so much anguish  is the fact that we need to have shelters in the first place. This is where my vent/rant begins....I actively do "cross-posting", I sit here every night reading though post after post on Urgent and Emergency rescue site after rescue site, about beautiful, healthy, wonderful dogs that are scheduled to be murdered in high kill Animal Control facilities (and people it doesn't matter what the name of these places are, they are *NOT* a shelter if they KILL the animals for reasons other than incurable injury or illness or violent behavior that can’t be rehabbed)...But, these beautiful, creatures are on countdown to death for no other reason except the selfish humans that were supposed to love and care for them, tossed them away.
   I have seen 11 yr. old dogs that have been a part of families their entire lives dropped at high kill facilities with explanations such as, "No longer have the time for a pet"....."Cost too much money to feed"......"Moving out of state and don't want to deal with taking a dog".....this next one, I think takes the cake, "He's become old and lazy, he just lays around"...gee I hope when they are "old and lazy" someone does the same to them!!    
Other reasons listed on some of the younger dogs have been, "He pees"...."He's too energetic",  "We're having a baby now so we don't need the dog anymore"...."She smells"....A chewer"....."Sheds"....."Landlord won't let me have it anymore" (anymore??? Did he just decide one day, “Hey I’m bored, I know, I’ll  abolish all dogs from this dwelling??").....This one took a prize as well, "Decided a fish would be an easier pet".
   People, dogs (and cats)  are a commitment; they are not something you go out and get and then decide you don't want it later and toss it away. They are living beings. 
Dogs and Cats, believe it or not, have feelings....they bond, they care, they love, they mourn,  they grieve, they fear, they show happiness, they show sadness, they show anger and they show joy.  
Look deep into a dog's eyes. You can see exactly what it is feeling. 
When I get ready to go someplace and my Chihuahua realizes that she isn't going to be able to go with me, you can see her whole facial expression change. She looks depressed, her forehead wrinkles, she looks anxious and worried and her eyes even tear up. 
    People also don’t realize that dogs do understand what we say, it’s not the tones of our voices, and they understand words. They aren't stupid, they have feelings, they have hearts, they have brains, and they are very intelligent.  
To just toss them away and abandon them, isn't much different from abandoning a small child or a helpless elderly person. They are scared and helpless. They don’t understand what they did wrong, why their family that they loved left them in  that strange place.  
They want to go home, they want to be held and loved by the people they adore and trusted.  
They are nervous and there is all kinds of strange people and noises,and smells, and it is depending on the season too hot or too cold.
They are so scared and upset that when the staff members, who to them are just strangers,  start to poke and prod at them, they tend to be cross and cranky or just completely shutdown all together and refuse to acknowledge anyone at all. This then
causes them get evaluated with “Not Sociable” or “Has a Bad Temper”…..which means they are moved up on the list to be put to sleep sooner without ever making it to the adoption floor.   
Their owners, the people that picked them out as that “cute little fuzzy puppy they were going to love forever” threw them away like disposable trash when they were tired of them.  They will then die all alone, terrified and with a aching heart, emotional turmoil and confusion.
       Then you also have your once beautiful  female dogs...AKC worthy full-bred breeds,  that are tossed away after they have served their purpose as a *Brood Mare*. 
There’s nothing like being a 4 yr. old little dog that’s had 9 litters and who’s little uterus is about to fall out of her body... who is haggard and looks about 16 instead of 4.  With a coat that is matted and ratty and has never been brushed or bathed.  A little dog who 
hasn't spent a whole lot of time outside of a kennel cage, so she has never been housebroken, she has never had toys to play with…she is under weight and malnourished.  Her nails are over grown and so she hobbles when she walks...if anyone can get her to actually walk as she doesn't know how to walk on a leash, because no one ever bothered to teach her. In fact she is terrified of the feeling of grass or sand or sidewalk because she has basically spent 24/7 of her entire life inside a wire kennel cage.   She’s never been loved, never been anyone’s “pet” or “Fur-baby”…her whole existence has been to produce puppies and make money for her owners.  The look in her eyes is pain and depression and she doesn't even wag her tail when someone talks to her, and if anyone tries to pet her or pick her up, she screams ad howls like she is being murdered because this is completely foreign to her. Does this make you sad, break your heart and cause you to tear up reading about her? Just wait I'm not done yet...Now she’s worn out, so they don’t need her anymore, so out she goes. If she is lucky, she is dumped at a animal control facility. The less fortunate ones are murdered there at the mill...shot, strangled, smothered...whatever it takes to get rid of her. Then, there are some, that have their cages set out in/behind a shed or someplace out of the way and they are not given any food or water until they just die.   Puppy Milling is illegal and the offspring of these poor little dogs are not healthy.  This kind of treatment is despicable and cruel.
The ones that are dumped at the pound by their “owner” have usually still been sentenced  to an early death…Surgery to repair her uterus is expensive, and she will have to have a lot of social and behavioral rehab. Unless she can find sponsors and a rescue with money to offer her surgery, there are few people that would be willing to adopt a dog with so many costly issues...and most animal control agencies will not even consider releasing them to anyone outside of a rescue because of liability.    
       There are also the irresponsible and inconsiderate pet owners that *REFUSE* to have their animals spayed /neutered.. and then allow them outdoors when they are in season so that they end up pregnant and then surprise…they have litters of more unwanted puppies and kittens.  When these puppies and kittens are old enough to be weaned, these mixed breeds are dumped off at the high kill facilities.  Six to twelve week old puppies who have not had any vaccinations at all do not do well in a pound. They get sick easily.....Even worse is a pregnant momma dog or momma with newborn puppies that are surrendered.  They are quickly euthanized.  Unless a rescue has the funds and room to take them, the pound will kill the entire family...
When a facility has the ability to house 120 animals and they have 225 turned in to them what options does that leave when they are not funded and they are a KILL FACILITY by order of their county??  You do the Math people??  
How do we fix this???  
Gee,  Here is the answer….if you are going to be a pet owner, be responsible…SPAY AND NEUTER your dogs and cats!!!   Saying you can’t afford it is a cop out. The ASPCA has many low income programs to help and there are also many low income clinics in every area.  No one wants the pet population to keep expanding to where we have to have these poor innocent animals murdered daily for no reason other than the selfish stupidity of humans.
   It's also not just mix-breeds...there are full-bred pups with AKC papered parents that are dropped off as well.  Why? Because their "owners" thought, "wow, I have these two beautiful full-bred dogs with paperwork, I'll breed them and then make some extra cash off the puppies."   Well, that does not always happen and then the owner has Mom, Dad, and 4 to 6 rambunctious older puppies that are into everything, costing them a small fortune to feed, they cannot afford to take them all to the vet for vaccines atc...and caring for a large group of dogs, the majority of them young is a lot of work.  Things get chewed, Carpets and floors are getting ruined by a pack of pups learning what Housebreaking means,  there is more dog feces than you can imagine and their neighbors begin to complain of the barking and the smell in the yard....not to mention the fact that momma dog is usually at the end of her maternal rope by this point and is ready for her babies to leave home and for her life to return to pre-baby normal....(that is if her stupid owners have not let her breed again already), so the humans pack up the dogs into their car and take them to the pound thinking, "These guys will have no problem getting adopted into nice homes, they are full-bred". They have no idea how many full-bred dogs get euthanized right along with the mix-breeds.  Taking them to the pound though is a much better option than placing a "Free to Good Home" ad on places like Craig's List or in the newspaper....this is where most dog fighters get their training bait from.  I won't even go into do not want the gruesome details. If you thought the Puppy-Mill story was sad... I have seen things that haunt me years later.  It is a fate that no living thing outside of a pedophile should ever have to go through....and a type of bloody, painful death that you cannot imagine...if they are lucky enough to die from their wounds and are not taken battered, bloody and broken and dumped out in the middle of nowhere to suffer with no help until they finally die from blood loss, the injuries themselves mixed with starvation and dehydration along with infection.  
    Finally the above mentioned topic brings me to what I think one of the worst situations at the animal control facilities is...the problem with the discrimination against the 'Bully Breeds'.  
This tragic situation is due to attacks stemming from the violence of dogs trained to fight…some areas have not even had an actual case of Bully Breed attacks, but because of the horror stories, they want no part of these beautiful and loving my nature dogs. 
We have the problem with injured dogs, like the tragic scenario I mentioned above being dumped that have been used as bait dogs to train Bully Breeds to fight by the horrible losers that think this is “cool” and a easy way for them to make drug money. Occasionally, those poor babies...(they can be any breed and any size as long as they are less aggressive than the dog being trained),  are taken by a rescue and can be repaired and rehabbed to trust again, but many times they’re so injured they have to be humanely euthanized.  
Then We have the actual fight dogs themselves... if they show no signs of aggression, and aren't too beat up,and there are rescues that have space and enough funding and depending on the state, they are put through rehab and are allowed to be adopted out to new forever owners, usually people with *NO* children or other animals….if anyone is willing to take them and the area they are in does not have BSL laws. 
For those of you that do not know, BSL stands for "Breed Specific Legislation", which means a law that bans certain types of dogs due to appearance, because they are perceived as "Dangerous Dogs". BSL not only causes problems and usually death for dogs rescued from fight rings, but it is also basically equal to discrimination and racial profiling in the canine world.  If there is a BSL law in an area and someone surrenders a dog to the pound that even remotely resembles one of the breeds on the BSL list, it is instantly euthanized....this also includes any dog that the facility feels looks as if it is mixed with a BSL breed.  Due to the lack of breed identification training of most pound employees, many dogs that are not BSL breeds or even mixed with one, are killed weekly in BSL areas.  
I personally love Bully Breeds.  Pit Bulls are one of my favorite dogs….I also love Boxers, Mastiffs, Rotties.  They are all beautiful and sweetheart dogs.  Cocker Spaniels and Min Pins an Chihuahuas  are actually by nature more aggressive breeds with a much higher bite risk.  But, because they are smaller, they are not listed on BSL lists.  People do not realize that Bully Breeds have the reputation they do mainly due to the media.  Yes, there have been some very, very tragic cases involving Pit Bulls attacking people...sadly usually children...But what the media downplays is the fact that usually:
*The dog did not belong to the residence where the child lived full-time....usually it is a family friend, non-custodial parent or other relative of the child that owns the dog.....and the dog and the child have no relationship or bond.
*The child is unattended with the dog that is not used to being with that child....and I don't care what breed, what size, how docile a dog is....if the child does not live with the dog and has not bonded with it, no child under 10 should be left unattended with it.  If they child is bonded with the dog then I would never leave a child under the age of 6 alone with it....children are unpredictable with their movements,  small children do not have a grasp on "gentle"...and a dog cannot say, "Hey, that hurts me, don't pull my ears/hair/whiskers/tail" "I'm not a horse and you are too heavy for my back, so please do not try to ride me or stand on me for that matter. It hurts."  Any parent that does not monitor a small child with a dog, is irresponsible.  
* Many cases of maulings have occurred when a small child (who should not have been out unattended in he first place) wanders into the yard of a residence that is not his/hers where there is a dog on a chain (something that no one should do to any dog...but that is another rant).  
*Many times the owners and the child's parents allowed a small child to bother a dog that was eating or sleeping....something that is a huge no-no. Dogs have pack mentality. Their adult owners are the Alphas in their pack (if they have responsible owners that have established Alpha status and trained their dog)...but to a dog, small children, even if they are bonded to them, are in their eyes, fellow pups and equals in the pack.  This is why dogs that are establishing their roles in a multiple dog household snap and growl when they are eating/sleeping in "their spot"/have a treat or favorite toy.  They are saying, this is mine, you are not my boss, you will not take this from me"  so when the child goes up and tries to take, touch, interfere with what the dog has/is doing, it treats the child like another dog.  This is why adult supervision is always necessary when little ones and dogs are together.
       There is also another point  I want to bring up before I end this rant. People, when you go to get a pet, let’s use our brains. If we live in a small 2 bedroom apartment on the 3 floor in the middle of the city and we decide to get a puppy for our family (*AFTER* clearing it wit ohur Landlord. And only *AFTER*),  hmmmm lets think this one through….tiny 2 bedroom, 3rd floor, in the city, that would mean we don’t have a large fenced yard…right? It would also mean we are short on space indoors as well, right?  So, what kind of puppy would we get?  …….
§         Answer:   OH I KNOW….how about an ummmmm, a Mastiff!!  I mean it’s cute, it’s 7 weeks old and it’s only 12 pounds…that’s perfect!"   NO!!!!
Because, guess what….in a couple of months that cute little puppy is this BIG HUGE DOG. That has out grown the tiny apartment.  He needs to go outdoors to potty, because a Mastiff can’t use puppy pads….not hardly….not ones I’d want to have to pick up anyway.  So, you are spending a lot of time up and down three flights of stairs with a huge and hyper young dog and having to take a pooper-scooper along for the walk.  Not exactly a joy.  When you got your puppy, a Chihuahua, a Yorkie, a Teacup Poodle, even a cocker,  would have been perfect for your family... But you didn't research and weigh the options. So now you have this big dog that is too large.   
Now most people would be in love with their big goofy over size bundle of energy and poop and just deal with what they got themselves into  because ….he’s part of the family and they love him.  But, sadly, there are some selfish people that will just take this poor goofy bundle of love and dump him at the nearest pound.   He doesn't know why, he just knows one day he had a family and a rug and a bone and a boy to wrestle with, and today he’s in a cage with a cold cement floor and he’s scared. ….and tonight if he’s lucky he’s at shelter that’s going to kill him with a needle and not the gas chamber….because at least the lethal injection is a lot more human than being shoved into a room with a bunch of other dogs and at times even some cats,  and having gas fill up the room and then your lungs till you can’t breathe and you slowly suffocate and painfully pass out and die….after you have fought, mauled, chewed each other up while in a panic induced frenzy.

 I also want to say, you have never seen anything sad and tear inducing as watching a dog howl, while, cry and panic when it is handed over to the animal control staff and watches his people he loves walk out the door without looking back and not returning.  Those mournful wails are something you never forget the sound of.  The only thing worse, is the sight and whimpering sounds a scared dog makes, when it is being led down the hall to the euthanization room.  They know....the panic...they try to run, try to hold on to cage doors, try to lay down and refuse to walk....only to usually be dragged by staff.Just typing that paragraph has brought tears and I have a huge lump in my throat.  

So, PLEASE...I am begging you.  The next time you decide to just go drop an animal off at the pound or know that someone you know is about to….think about this post.  
Remember these precious animals are fur-babies.  They are just like having an infant or toddler....they look to you for love, care, security and to meet their needs.  Adopting a dog/cat is a lifetime of that animal commitment....they need and deserve FOREVER homes.   They require love, food/water, toys, attention, devotion, medical care/prevention, training and patience. If you are not up for all of this, then please don't go and get one only to uproot it's entire world later when you get rid of it. 
If you must get rid of a pet, contact a rescue and see if they can assist you in someway.  Ask your vet if they can help...many have adoption bulletin boards.  Ask people you know if anyone in their lives (that they know well) would be interested in adopting the animal.  If you decide to place an ad....scrutinize anyone that responds...get their full name, phone number (and verify it us a legit number), email and address.  If they have other pets or have had pets, ask for their vets name and number for references.  Ask if they have a problem with you checking on the animal.  Make them sign a contract that if it does not work out they will call you.  List in the add a rehoming fee...I prefer at least $50.00 or more....people looking for bait dogs do not want to pay for them....once you meet the person if everything checks out, then you can waive the rehoming fee.
Finding the animal a good and loving home is the most important thing.if you have tried but have no other options and a animal shelter is the last least research the facility and make sure it’s *Really* a shelter, a place that does *NOT* kill…that finds the animals a new home... Not a center that is just a slaughter house.  

    If you are still here with me…Thank you for condoning my ranting. I appreciate you humoring me and allowing me to vent.  Now go hug your dogs and cats and tell them you love them…and if you have the resources and/or opportunity *PLEASE* foster, adopt or sponsor (via a “chip-in “the fee to help pay for rescue/medical needs), a shelter or Pound pet.   If you don’t have the resources to do that…then how about donating some time?   The ASPCA  is always looking for volunteers to spend time with the animals…they need people to walk the dogs and to play with the cats…to brush both species...  so they get attention, exercise and human contact.  Not only will you be doing something great for a lonely and scared animal, but it will make you feel good to.  I promise it will.  :)