Thursday, May 21, 2015

Just Me......

 I get criticized quite often because the Internet is such a huge part of my life. 
People around me, do not understand why I would rather be online than socialize face to face. 
Truthfully, most of the time, I feel that if life only existed inside the safety of cyberspace...everyone would be much better off.

Since my little girl died shortly after her birth exactly four years ago tomorrow, I have found that I prefer the safety of cyber space.  Online, people can’t see how broken I actually am.  
Losing Olivia left me a shell of the person I once was, and no one in my "real" life can understand this.

Some days I feel as if, I am slowly and completely losing my mind. 
Her death left this huge hole inside of me... Part of me died with her. 

So many people have tried to "comfort" me by saying cold, empty, stupid and clichĂ© things…words that in their minds were helpful and beneficial for me to hear. Honestly today, I can look back and laugh at some of them. Their asinine and warped views of comfort and wisdom. 
But the pain and agony I have felt … there is no way they could ever begin to comprehend unless they themselves, have ever buried a child.
People have tried to sympathize by sharing their loss of important people in their own lives.  I'm sorry, but it is not the same.
Losing a parent,  a grandparent,  a sibling or close friend or beloved pet does not compare…I myself, have  lost all of the fore mentioned. Sure, I mourned for each loss, but the pain, despair and heartache of living without your baby in your arms is a festering open wound that never heals.  In fact when I lost my dog Raven four years previous to my baby's death, I at the time could not fathom anything hurting quite as much as holding on to that huge, black furry body that I had raised for twelve years from a tiny puppy and saying goodbye....but even that pain does not come close to the loss of a little person you felt grow and move inside of you, who is a part of you.
   I have also had miscarriages much as that hurts, it is nothing like carrying a child…feeling that child move inside you…giving birth and then having to bury your baby that was born alive and beautiful, only to suddenly and unexpectedly die.
   The birth of a child is supposed to be happy and joyful.  It's a time that is meant to be full of contentment and bliss....a time of dreams and plans for the future each and every time you gaze down and that little face...a face that you love and adore more than words can describe....and have since months before you even saw it for the first time.
   To have that cruelly snatched away from you, unexpectedly and without warning…when you believe that you are completely in the clear and past the danger point. It’s more than you can take...or should be expected to.
Once you experience this tragedy, just waking up in the morning becomes a struggle and forced effort.  
Anyone that would expect you to carry on as if life is normal has no clue, and they shouldn't try to compare a Mother's grief to anything else. The only loss that I think would even come close, would be the loss of a spouse...While I, thankfully, have never had to deal with that, I can only imagine.
   Even in the grieving over a child each mother's story is different.  
For example, I cannot fathom losing one of my other girls, the children that I was able to love on, nurture, raise and watch grow through each stage of their I would not ever try to compare my grief to theirs. 

   I feel like a stranger in my own reality, even four years later.  It’s hard to be happy for friends who are blessed with new babies…you find yourself wondering, “Why them, why are they better than I am?  Why did everything turn out fine for them? “Then that leads to feelings of guilt and shame…so you feel it’s best to just pull away.
   This is why friendships are so much easier online. 
Just think about it…if you didn't want to deal with anyone, simple...just become “invisible”.
 Someone annoys you so badly that you don’t want to be bothered with them any longer?  Easy…just “unfriend” them... voilĂ  they can’t invade your life any more. 
Things clutter up your space?  Just hit delete.
Everything is so simple and carefree in cyberspace. 
It’s so easy to make friends and maintain these friendships with people all over the world that you've never met face to face…so much easier than in actual reality…You don’t have to worry about seeing your friends face to face and you aren't expected to socialize and there’s no dread of running into them all the time…you just don’t sign on or turn on your chat.
It takes so much pressure off; No one can see your tears, your haggard looks from sleepless nights, and the deep depression that attaches its self to you like a second skin.

I really wish I could climb inside my cyber world and just stay there…

~Shea Clarke


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