Friday, May 15, 2015

Help! My Life Dropped It's Cool And Can't Pick It Up!

Shea Clarke
July 22, 2004
I had this total epiphany this morning and it really totally freaked me out.

I have pretty much been in total bliss the past 2 weeks and become a vegetable because our cable system has added VH 1 - Classic to our station line up.   Yes, I realize this is a sad and pathetic statement about the lame existence of my so-called life, but, you are jumping ahead of me in my story here, so just be patient and relax for a second, and you'll see where I'm going...

Anyway, as I was saying.... I got up this morning and cranked up VH-1 Classic, as I have been doing every morning I have been home for the past couple weeks and I was dancing around as I was cleaning my house, singing along enjoying the tuneage. Having a good time.....and that's when it started to hit me. That's when tremor number one occurred.

I proceeded to dance around, cleaning the house to some of my favorite songs and bands, singing along. Having myself a really good time. Then it started to occur to me...not deep analyzation, just little jolts of realization here and there like, "Wow, it's been a while since I heard that one" or " Man didn't he die like ten years ago?” and I found myself talking out loud to no one or nothing but an inanimate object here or there like a broom or a dust pan or the toilet brush, with each thought causing another tremor, yet, still I ignored it.
 I was having too good a time cleaning the house.  It shouldn't be that much fun cleaning to start with... I should've realized from that in it self. But, no, I was clueless... lost in my glory days.... wait, again, getting ahead of myself... :: sigh ::

 So, as I was happily scrubbing the toilet... that in itself is a sad, pathetic and oh so scary statement... I was happily scrubbing the toilet… the place where people deposit their disgusting bodily functions and dancing along to some of my favorite songs I hadn't heard in a really long time, I started thinking about some stuff that really started upsetting me .... :: tremor ::  :: tremor ::  :: tremor ::
I have been glued to a stupid cable network for two weeks now...I have become a vegetable...  this is so not healthy... DID I mention I was happily scrubbing the freaking toilet and dancing around while pondering my freaking life??   :: Tremor ::  :: tremor :: 
 :: tremor ::  :: tremor ::

That was it! That was all it took... the tremors exploded into a full blown 12.5 on the Richter scale Earth Quake worthy of sending Marshall, Will and Holly down into the Land of the Lost...

:: Sidebar::   For those of you that are still young and hip enough not to know what I am talking about in that last sentence....meaning you were born post 1980- ish, let me explain for a second.  Once upon a time, many, many moons ago, in   a land before cable TV, satellite and 24 hour cartoon channels and ::gasp::,  when all the Nick at Nite shows were Prime Time first run hits on NBC, ABC and CBS, we had to wait until Saturday mornings to watch kids TV programming. There was a show called "Land of the Lost". It was a cheesy show about a dad, Marshall that was an archeologist and his two-doofy kids: his emotional teenage heartthrob son, Will and the bratty tween daughter, Holly. (Imagine theme music and hokey singing here:: They… “were on a routine expedition and the greatest earthquake ever known...high on the rapids, it struck their tiny raft,  “AHAAAHH”  (insert screams of Marshall, Will and Holly) , and plunged them down a thousand feet below, to the Land of the Lost...." (End of hokey theme song).  Where there were dinosaurs and sleestack (the bad guys) and they met this scary little monkey boy named Chaka that was their friend... It was cheesy, but we all watched it... (and if anyone in my age group tries to say they didn't, they lie...LOL) .... Anyway...enough of the Pop-Culture history lesson boys and girls, it's off the topic of this entry…
*ME*... ---end of sidebar::

Anyway...Like I was saying... 12.5 Earth Quake, Yada, Yada... and I realized something very pivotal in my whole adult development......I have totally lost my cool.
It's gone.  Lost.  Vanished.  It's zippo. No More.  Nada.

Then I began a realization on some other stuff. 
* My favorite music was now being played on a station Called; *CLASSIC* ...classic, a term used for the outdated, the not current.... the OLD...
*The bands that made my favorite music were for the most part no longer making music.  Most were   disbanded and the members of the bands for the most part were either 1) dead   2) retired and/or collecting Social Security or at least old enough to carry an AARP card.

I don't know when it had happened. I don't know how it happened or why.  But, I had lost it.  I am old. I am cool-less.   I used to be a head banging, leather micro-mini skirt wearing, big haired, LA party doll, Rock ‘N’ Roll chick.   If it was happening I was there.  I was stylin’.   I had it going on, I had all the right clothes, I knew all the right people... Sigh::
I was cool...

Key word…*WAS*

I have succumbed ...   (snivel) I have conformed......  I am...part of the establishment... I am    (deep breath)   not only a PTA and Soccer Mom…but, I hold a chair on the PTA…I have joined suburbia…

Do you suppose I lost my cool when I stopped wearing the Aqua-Net? Do you think the cool was trapped under the 7 inches of high, poufy, and teased big 80's Rock N Roll hair? 
Do you think the National Secret Groupie Society of America will want their ID card back?!!?  

So, I think I am going to go and drink myself a can of sugar free Red Bull so I have the energy to make it past 10 PM (you know how it is for us old people (wink), so that I can finish folding my laundry while watching some more of my VH 1-Classic and think about when I was young and had a "real life"

Have a nice night.

:: Editorial note from Shea...This Blog was purely satire...yes, I do love my 80's metal music, yes I was an 80's rock chick, yes I was a party girl in LA, and yes, I am a soccer mom, and hold a chair on the PTA, and I am addicted to VH 1 classic, but, I am just goofing in the above entry.  I love my life, I don't miss the LA scene (most the time) I still think even though I am no longer as young as I was in the 80's and I am no longer a part of that whole scene, I am still relatively cool. So, there!   :P::

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