Innocence

When I was a child, I would sit and day dream.

I would dream of being a "grown-up", and of happiness and success. I couldn't wait to be an adult.

Now, I am an adult, and I have been one for a good while, I would give anything to return to that childlike innocence. 

A time where the world could be yours and no matter how dark and sinister your childhood existence was, the innocence of simply being a child made the thought of the future exciting and bright

Sadly, that innocence of a child lies and as a "grown-up" I see life for what it is at face value.

I so wish I could still feel the anticipation and suspense that is there in childhood when you dream of the future.

Everything is like Christmas then. All the pretty wrapping on the outside, But, then adulthood comes along and you rip open that box only to be disappointed with the contents inside.

The world seems so bright and shiny and beautiful. It's all shielded by the candy covered coating that's there hiding the tart bitterness of reality that's waiting on the inside. Just waiting for a naive child to come along and take that first big bite. That jolt of awakening from childhood innocence.

Once it is gone, it's gone forever. There is no way to recapture it or even create a decent facsimile.

I see myself now, how cold and jaded I am. It makes my heart ache.

I long for childlike innocence. A time where words like war, debt, infertility, death, depression, anxiety, and stress were foreign. when even if you heard them, you had no idea what they meant.

They weren't part of your everyday life...words that cling to you as if filled with static. Words that you go to sleep with each night and wake up again the next morning praying would disappear from your life.

I watch my little girl play and I wish there were some way to shield her from that sour ball of life. To keep her from ever taking that first bite. Just hide her away in a place where talking purple dinosaurs are real, and finding a dandelion growing in the yard can make your heart soar. A shiny happy place where all that ails you can be cured with a kiss and a smiley faced Band-Aid.

The thought of having to watch her emerge from her cocoon where it is warm and safe and Mommy can fix anything, into the harshness of the real world, causes me overwhelming pain.

I just want to grab her up and hold her tight, so tightly that nothing can ever touch her.

But, alas, I cannot. All too soon, her innocence will also disappear.

I find myself panicked as I try to guide her, making her aware without killing that innocence too soon.

My heart feels heavy as I wonder..." how can I prepare her for this?"

To be strong and to conquer, when I long to return to that cocoon myself...       

by Shea Clarke  

7-30-03